T H E T U S C A R O R A R E V I E W 2 0 2 3 5 FullyKnown andFullyLoved K AY L A N V A S Q U E Z Editors’ Note: We appreciated receiving a submission that addresses a highly stigmatized but common experience. We recognize that pornography use can be part of healthy and consensual sexual expression; at the same time, we affirm those who are struggling with pornography misuse and those who love them. If you or someone you know is struggling with pornography misuse, we encourage you to seek support. Sean and I settle into the cushioned seats of my silver Corolla, protecting us from the night’s April showers. I reach for my buckle to put it in its place; he runs his fingers through his dirty blonde hair and has an unusual downcast face once his hands land in his lap. I release the grey seatbelt from my grip and ask,“What’s wrong?” His hands fumble in his lap, “I have something I have to tell you,” he states, his eyes avoiding mine and his body adjusting to find comfort. The sound of my heart becomes loud in my ears and the pace feels like I’m running a marathon. “Is this the thing that you’ve been telling me you need to tell me, but the time hasn’t been right?” I question. “Yes,” he says, fingers still fidgeting. I shift in my seat. He takes a deep breath, preparing for what he is going to say. I take a deep breath hoping it’ll relax my heartbeat. “So…” he pauses, rubbing his face with his right hand. “Wow this is going to be really hard,” he takes another breath. “You know what, I’m just going to say it. Actually I’m going to give you some back story. I was ten and this kid at my school shoved a video in my face and that was the first time…” he stops. The words struggle to leave his mouth. I take in another breath, attempting to stay calm.
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