6 T H E T U S C A R O R A R E V I E W 2 0 2 3 “The first time I saw…” another pause. My heartbeat quickens with each pause he takes. His head moves around. His cheeks puff with air, stopping the words from leaving his mouth. Wow, this is really hard for him to say. Be strong and stay calm, he’s trying to be vulnerable with you. God, please help me. “The first time I saw porn,” he stammers. The rain drops are the only sound in my ears. “I have a porn addiction. The longest I’ve ever been without porn is 3 months,” he says interrupting the rain. My mind is blank. Together we listen to rain drops. I am unaware of how many minutes pass before he prompts his next question. “What are you thinking? How are you feeling?” In my peripheral vision his head turns towards me, but no eye contact is made. My eyes find the air conditioning vent infuriating. Porn, he’s watched porn. I knew it was something that people struggled with, but he never gave me the impression that he would watch that. I thought he was… as pure as I was. Once I have processed his question, the only thing that leaves my lips is, “Have you watched porn since we’ve been together?” “Yes,” he says. My head moves up and down at the pace of a snail, my eyes avoiding his. “Can I be honest?” I ask, curious if he wants my thoughts. “Yes,” he answers. I take a breath and say, “I feel cheated on. You are with me and say I’m beautiful and claim all these amazing things about me, but clearly I’m not enough if you go and watch porn.” My eyes are now filling with water, the seal wanting to break and flow. He turns his face towards the windshield instead of looking in my direction. A still minute goes by … nothing but the sound of rain. Out of my peripheral vision, his head moves towards my direction. He opens his mouth and calmly says, “That’s why I’m trying to stop. I never wanted you to feel that way. This is something I struggle with, but it’s been a week since I last watched it and I’m really proud of myself for that,” he says, a minuscule smile prying at the corners of
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